We have been on one hell-of-a-ride and we are finally to the fun part of our journey. For those of you who have not heard... It's a Boy! I know that might be confusing seeing as the last time I blogged we had just lost our little Anna Grace after a long hard fight. Even as I write those words my eyes still swell with tears.
The week that we got out of the hospital, I think the best way to describe how Nick and I were feeling would be shocked. We had done everything right. We hadn't lost faith, in fact I would dare to say our faith was stronger than ever. I don't think I've ever prayed more in my life. Hail Mary's were my lullaby and Our Father's were my breath. (On a side note, I had never been a big rote-prayer person and I didn't understand the importance of them. Through this difficult time I have found them so comforting. I was talking to my Mom about this realization and she so wisely said, "It's the perfect prayer for when you don't even know what to ask for". This was so true. I know that every time I said the Our Father, I clung to those words, "Your will be done.") We had tried to be so faith-filled and I think that we were under the assumption that because of this we would be given our miracle baby. Well, we were. Just not in the fashion we had planned.
The day I was released from the hospital my Mom received a phone call from one of her close friends, Lori. Lori told my mom that although it might be too soon to think about right now, she knew a girl whose sister just found out she was 6 months pregnant and is considering adoption. She was having a little girl and she would be due on February 25th. My Mom and Lori both agreed that although this could be really exciting news, we needed to stay guarded for now and they decided to keep this to themselves.
Now, if I could back up a bit. Right before I found out that I was pregnant with Anna, I had actually begun to research the adoption process. We had already been through 3 miscarriages with no answers as to why. I was ready and anxious to get to a place where we would not have to be scared of pregnancy tests and losing more babies. Besides, adoption is something that I have always felt called towards. I remember telling Nick on one of our first dates that I wanted to have a blended family with biological and adopted children. Well, he didn't go running for the hills after hearing this plan, and I knew right then that this guy wasn't going to scare easily, and he might just be the one for me.
A week after being released from the hospital Nick and I had a small gathering of our immediate family to celebrate Anna Grace. Nick and I planted a beautiful Magnolia tree in our yard in her honor. (The magnolia is actually called a "Teddy Bear Magnolia" which I thought was fitting for our baby girl.) Our family cried, prayed, hugged and sang. It was a small but meaningful service. We gathered together in our back yard and my Dad played an absolutely beautiful song he wrote about little Anna. As he began to sing the slightest rain began to fall. It seemed fitting for the day. After the song we moved inside to finish the service. It was nothing fancy, but it brought some closure to a story that seemed to end so abruptly.
The next Monday I was back at work. This was a day that I had been dreading since we were first told that there were complications. I was so scared of facing all of those hundreds of kids and answering questions. My whole school had known I was pregnant and I knew that I was going to have to say things I wasn't ready to say. (I still tear up when I talk about her.) I imagined myself trying to explain to a 10 year old what had happened, and in the middle of it breaking down and crying. I was not looking forward to this day. I had prayed so hard for God to grant me the strength to get through it. As usual God went above and beyond. I did not get one single awkward question or comment. I was greeted with nothing but hugs, and I had students that I don't even know stopping me in the hall to hug me and tell me that they were happy I was back. It was amazing! Teachers that I hardly know gave me hugs and told me that I was in their prayers. I received hundreds of hugs that day and I felt so loved and supported through this community. It was unexpected and wonderful. I was glad to finally be back to some normalcy.
The following week my mom hesitantly told me of the connection that Lori had made and wanted to know where Nick and I stood on the possibility of adopting a baby so soon after losing one. As my mom told me the story, I couldn't help but feel excited. My head told me to stay grounded and not get my hopes up, but my heart leapt at the possibility that this could work! When I went home that night and told Nick, he beamed. A huge smile came over his face and, (practical Nick), immediately started thinking of ways that we could come up with the money to make this happen. Needless to say, we were trying hard not to be excited. We were told that the woman who was pregnant wanted to take the holidays to think over this awesome decision.
Nick and I quietly prepared. We knew that if this were even to become a possibility we would need to get the process started. My mom and I met with a wonderful woman who has personal experience with adoption and she gave us the skinny on the in's and out's of the paperwork and process. We found out through this mentor that even if this baby wasn't the one for us, the paperwork would be good for any baby that comes into our lives for a year. The ball was rolling and it was feeling good to be able to have some control again. We didn't have control over what baby or when things might happen, but we could actually do something to get started.
Over the holiday's we got a call saying that she has made a decision to go through with adoption so she wanted to have lunch with us to meet. Also, she had another sonogram which distinctly showed that the baby was in fact a boy! We were very excited and ever-so hopeful. The term that we chose to use was one that we were all too familiar with, we were "cautiously optimistic". Although she had chosen adoption, she could change her mind at any given moment.
We met the birth parents for lunch and our social worker came with us to help mediate the conversation. It was nice but very awkward. As I sat across the table from this pregnant woman and her boyfriend my mind was flooded with so many thoughts that I found it was difficult to actually focus on the discussions happening at the table. I couldn't help but wonder how she could really do this. I was trying to imagine her handing over her child to me. What she was planning to do was so unbelievably selfless, I was doubtful that anyone could be that strong. Nick and I read into her every word trying to gain an inside track to what she was really thinking. The lunch went well and we were soon on our way home to stew over this meeting for the next few weeks.
The birth-mom and I stayed in touch through telephone conversations and she would keep us updated any time she went to the doctor or had another sonogram. Everything was lining up perfectly for a smooth adoption.
On February 5th we got a call from the birth mom telling us that she was heading over to the hospital. Due to heightened blood pressure and pre-eclampsia, the doctor's were going to induce labor. Nick and I headed to the hospital unsure what we were in store for. When we got there she was 1cm dilated and progressing slowly. After a few hours they decided to give her the epidural in order to relax her and get things moving. Once the epidural was done the baby's heartbeat began to decel. Apparently the events of the day were stressing the baby. At that point the doctor decided to deliver C-section. About 40 minutes later a nurse came walking down the hall with a little 6 pound 2 ounce baby boy in her arms and she handed him to me. I looked into his eyes and fell in love. The nurse took him to the nursery and ran all of the tests. He was 3 weeks early, but he was perfect!
It was amazing! After all we had been through with Anna, praying for a healthy miracle-baby and being told by doctor, after doctor that this miracle was not going to happen; I was now holding a perfect, healthy, miracle-baby. GOD IS GOOD!
We spent the next 2 days in the hospital room with James, the birth-parents and their family. I was amazed. This could have been a very awkward, weird experience but through God's Grace, we all co-existed beautifully. We laughed together, hugged and cried. It was truly awesome. James is far too little to understand the painful sacrifice that his birth-family endured in order to give him all the opportunities that this life can give. I look forward to teaching James about his birth-family in the years ahead, and how they loved him so much they entrusted him to us. I truly believe that God hand-picked this family for Nick and I and we are so thankful for this gift.
Now, adoptions by reputation are known to be complex and difficult; but I found that everything about this adoption was relatively easy, (through our blog and for those of you who know us personally, you know that we don't usually do "easy"), but I found that there was peace in every step we took. From Lori making this awesome connection (by the way, she's been deemed the God-Mother), to my Pepe lending us the money, to connecting with our attorney, to our emotional home visits, to easy background checks, to falling in love with James, to bringing him home, to my mom and Nick preparing the room, to all of the love and support showered upon the three of us at our gatherings... there was just peace.
James is so blessed to be a member of this family and community, as are we. People I barely know are sending cards congratulating us and thanking God for answering their prayers for our family. It has been incredible! I have learned so much about my personal faith and the importance of the church. I don't mean the physical building, but I mean you. You have been the church to me. You have been the loving arms of God hugging us the whole way, reminding us every step that there is a plan and everything is going to be ok. Thank you for being our church.
We will continue to blog throughout little James' life. I hope you follow us to see how God is going to surprise us next. We love you all, and thank you for loving us so much.
With Love,
Nick, Melanie and Sweet Baby James
